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Am I Ever?

Am I ever going to not be broken? Am I ever going to be able to look in the mirror and not loathe what I see? Everyday I get up and I try. I fucking try. But I’m lost. I feel like I’m walking around aimlessly in the dark, trying to find my way, but there are dead ends no matter which way I turn.  Am I ever going to make something of myself? Be proud of myself? Achieve success? I want so badly to heal. I want to not feel like this everyday. I don’t understand why or how I got to be this broken. Everyone leaves eventually. Even the ones who promise to stay. I feel numb. I don’t know who I am. I keep seeking validation from others rather than finding it within myself. How much more can I take? I always feel overwhelmed. Like I can’t breathe. I don’t want this illness. I don’t want to be sick mentally anymore. No matter the combination of medication I am on, nothing helps. There is just endless darkness. I just want someone to understand me, but there is no one.  I just wish I cou...
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Recent posts

Music is Everything….

I don’t know what I would do without music. No matter what mood I am in, there is a song that soothes my soul. Arcade~ Duncan Laurence ft. Fletcher A broken heart is all that's left I'm still fixing all the cracks Lost a couple of pieces when I carried it, carried it, carried it home I'm afraid of all I am My mind feels like a foreign land Silence ringing inside my head Please carry me, carry me, carry me home I've spent all of the love I saved We were always a losing game Small town boy in a big arcade I got addicted to a losing game Oh Oh All I know, all I know Loving you is a losing game Do you love me, love me not? Giving pieces from my heart Tomorrow's coming and has gone Still I carried, I carried, I carried on Oh Oh All I know, all I know Loving you is a losing game Oh Oh All I know, all I know Loving you is a losing game I don't need your games, game over Get me off this rollercoaster Oh Oh All I know, all I know Loving you is a losing game Oh Oh All I k...
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Pact With Myself.

So as of September 1st, 2022 I have made a pact not to date or get into a relationship for 1 yr. I’m taking this time to focus on ME. I’m going to dig deep and try to heal myself. I have a lot of work to do on myself. I started a weight loss journey in Feb 2015. I started at 604 lbs. The lowest I have been in this journey so far is 424 lbs. I am currently 534 lbs (as of today). I have so much work to do. I want to be healthy mentally and physically.  I have started walking again, meditating every night before bed and taking time to read self-help books and go over my DBT Therapy literature. Trying to get into trauma therapy.  I will be documenting my journey here and also Instagram (@katentwistle).  I will get to my goal of under 400 lbs by this time next year. I am going to do this for myself. I am also 3 months sober from alcohol. There are a lot of goals I have for myself. 1. Quit smoking cigarettes. 2. Quit smoking cannabis. 3. Lose 284 lbs. 4. Be an advocate/create a...
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Hurt.

The worst part of being hurt has to be that you never know when you’re going to stop hurting. I fell for someone hard. The worst part is that he went along with it when he had NO INTENTION to reciprocate the feelings. Well he did reciprocate the feelings to a degree…. but then it all changed. I feel like I have experienced some great loss. Like it’s crazy. I know with my BPD I get attached to people very quickly and this is no different. I opened up, he acted like he understood and felt similar…..only to end up now barely communicating with me at all. I always wonder…..why am I not good enough?   So now I’m done. I don’t deserve scraps. I don’t deserve those little breadcrumbs that he is giving me to hold out hope for something that doesn’t exist.  But here I am, the one up at 4am cause I can’t sleep, my brain won’t stop. I know I have a lot of healing to do within myself. I can only hope that I will eventually find someone who accepts me for me. But this hurts so fucking much...
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BPD and Relationships.

 Has anyone else tried to build a relationship with anyone and then realize 1. It’s so much work, and 2. Every emotion that comes along with it is like exposing a raw nerve.  Welcome to BPD and relationships. Interpersonal relationships to be precise. Or really relationships in general. Why are they so fucking hard for us (the people with BPD)?  I will tell you why: 1. Fear of perceived or actual abandonment. 2. The need to be validated. Constantly.  3. Not knowing yourself. So if you don’t have a sense of who you are, how can you build a healthy relationship with someone else? 4. The thoughts of not being good enough for anyone. I have a person in my life, whom I ever expected to meet. Wasn’t looking for anyone, definitely didn’t think I would meet someone where I ended up meeting him. What am I doing? Trying as per usual to fuck it up. Cause why do I deserve to be happy? Why do I deserve to be cared about? Why do I deserve to be loved? They’ll just leave eventually...
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Who Am I?

 Is it normal that I have no idea who I am? I am 37 turning 38 in December and I feel like I don’t even have an idea of who I am. I mean I have some sort of idea. But for the most part I just wing it on a daily basis. I try to be a good human being. I try to guide myself based on a set of beliefs and values but, it’s hard because I really don’t feel like I know who I am most days. I feel like my beliefs and values are shaky. I have this emptiness that I don’t understand but that I am so used to. That is the daily struggle. Trying to guide myself to be a “good” person.  I don’t know what it would be like to wake up and not have mental illness. It is like it is a defining characteristic. I have struggled for 30 yrs with mental illness. I am tired. But finally being diagnosed with the right mental illness has helped, to a degree. A couple years ago after seeing psychiatrist # 4, I was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I always knew that I have struggled with...
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Thursday….The New “Hump” Day?

 Well today was a shit show. Wrapped up in depression and self loathing. It felt like a Wednesday. But surprisingly it was a Thursday. Hoping for a better tomorrow (Friday).  Today, I have been told I need to hold on (by a few people). Also that I need to stop believing I’m a literal piece of shit. How does one just stop feeling like a burden? How do I just turn off the hell that is depression? If I had that answer do you not think I wouldn’t just “feel better” if I could? I feel like screaming. I know the people who care about me in my life mean well. But if I could turn off this feeling don’t you think I would? It’s this constant voice inside my head (the never ending narrative) that I am not good enough, I’m a burden, why would anyone care about me? I don’t deserve to be loved and cared for. It’s sinister. This voice inside my head. I’m in a funk. I wish I could turn it off. I used to just drink it away. Anything to numb this feeling of emptiness. My best friend told me she...
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