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Thursday….The New “Hump” Day?

 Well today was a shit show. Wrapped up in depression and self loathing. It felt like a Wednesday. But surprisingly it was a Thursday. Hoping for a better tomorrow (Friday). 

Today, I have been told I need to hold on (by a few people). Also that I need to stop believing I’m a literal piece of shit. How does one just stop feeling like a burden? How do I just turn off the hell that is depression? If I had that answer do you not think I wouldn’t just “feel better” if I could?

I feel like screaming. I know the people who care about me in my life mean well. But if I could turn off this feeling don’t you think I would? It’s this constant voice inside my head (the never ending narrative) that I am not good enough, I’m a burden, why would anyone care about me? I don’t deserve to be loved and cared for. It’s sinister. This voice inside my head. I’m in a funk. I wish I could turn it off. I used to just drink it away. Anything to numb this feeling of emptiness.

My best friend told me she is worried about me, fuck, I am worried about me. I can’t stay in this state much longer. I need to try and pull myself out of this one. But until you know and have gone through this dark abyss, you just don’t understand. I read something one time that said “People don’t want to commit suicide, they just want the pain to stop.” I think that is one of the most real things I have ever read.

I’m tired of trying medication after medication, individual therapy, group therapy and not getting anywhere. Do you know how much I would love if I just woke up for ONE day and didn’t feel like this. I don’t know what the fuck I would do. 

I was just about to apologize for being real. This is real, raw emotion. If you can’t handle it, I’m sorry this isn’t the blog for you my friend.

Toodles.




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