Hurt.

The worst part of being hurt has to be that you never know when you’re going to stop hurting. I fell for someone hard. The worst part is that he went along with it when he had NO INTENTION to reciprocate the feelings. Well he did reciprocate the feelings to a degree…. but then it all changed. I feel like I have experienced some great loss. Like it’s crazy. I know with my BPD I get attached to people very quickly and this is no different. I opened up, he acted like he understood and felt similar…..only to end up now barely communicating with me at all. I always wonder…..why am I not good enough?  

So now I’m done. I don’t deserve scraps. I don’t deserve those little breadcrumbs that he is giving me to hold out hope for something that doesn’t exist. 

But here I am, the one up at 4am cause I can’t sleep, my brain won’t stop. I know I have a lot of healing to do within myself. I can only hope that I will eventually find someone who accepts me for me. But this hurts so fucking much. To open up to someone under the guise of “building a foundation” only to be shut out and feel like suddenly they want nothing to do with you. Like I needed you. I needed your friendship above anything else. But I’m not even good enough for that. But I have to feel the pain, instead of numbing it, like I always do. I’m proud of myself a little bit that I didn’t turn to binging last night to numb the pain. I just distracted myself until the urge passed. 

I need to let this go. I need space to get over him. It just hurts to think of what could have been, that never will be. I just want to feel secure enough with myself that the validation comes from myself and not someone else. I often times look for validation from other people, particularly men. Which in and of itself is sad.

One day at a time.