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Am I Ever?

Am I ever going to not be broken? Am I ever going to be able to look in the mirror and not loathe what I see? Everyday I get up and I try. I fucking try. But I’m lost. I feel like I’m walking around aimlessly in the dark, trying to find my way, but there are dead ends no matter which way I turn. 

Am I ever going to make something of myself? Be proud of myself? Achieve success? I want so badly to heal. I want to not feel like this everyday. I don’t understand why or how I got to be this broken. Everyone leaves eventually. Even the ones who promise to stay. I feel numb. I don’t know who I am. I keep seeking validation from others rather than finding it within myself.

How much more can I take? I always feel overwhelmed. Like I can’t breathe. I don’t want this illness. I don’t want to be sick mentally anymore. No matter the combination of medication I am on, nothing helps. There is just endless darkness. I just want someone to understand me, but there is no one. 

I just wish I could shut off my brain, just for a minute. That I could just stop using things that are bad for me, but ultimately help me cope. 

Maybe one day.

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