Who Am I?

 Is it normal that I have no idea who I am? I am 37 turning 38 in December and I feel like I don’t even have an idea of who I am. I mean I have some sort of idea. But for the most part I just wing it on a daily basis. I try to be a good human being. I try to guide myself based on a set of beliefs and values but, it’s hard because I really don’t feel like I know who I am most days. I feel like my beliefs and values are shaky. I have this emptiness that I don’t understand but that I am so used to. That is the daily struggle. Trying to guide myself to be a “good” person. 

I don’t know what it would be like to wake up and not have mental illness. It is like it is a defining characteristic. I have struggled for 30 yrs with mental illness. I am tired. But finally being diagnosed with the right mental illness has helped, to a degree. A couple years ago after seeing psychiatrist # 4, I was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I always knew that I have struggled with major depression and generalized anxiety disorder. But I always also knew that there was something more there, something sinister that was there just below the surface. But after seeing this certain psychiatrist (for the first time, and I ended up only seeing him the once) and being brutally honest with how I felt and what I was going through at the time he came out with “I am so sorry that you have struggled this long, and it has taken this long to get a formal diagnosis for you but, you have Borderline Personality Disorder, have you heard of this before?” I remember thinking what the hell is that? I had heard of it but I had no idea what it is. The psychiatrist then explained to me that according to the DSM-5 there are 9 diagnosis criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). To be formally diagnosed you only had to have 2 of the diagnosis criteria….I have 8 of the 9 diagnosis criteria. Being formally diagnosed has helped me better understand why I am the way I am. But it is very hard to realize that god, I have this. I actually have this illness. That there is a reason why sometimes I act the way I do.

You may be asking yourself, why? Why are you choosing to blog about this? I know in my first post I did touch upon why I am going to blog about my mental illness. 1. I want to let others who may be facing the same illness, know that they are NOT alone. 2. So I can see how far I have come. I will be sharing my experience fighting this illness. But also for awareness. Someone you know may be struggling with this illness and maybe by reading about it, and the effects that it has had on me, maybe I can help others understand just how this illness affects someone. I also hope that by me sharing my experiences that I can help others understand. I would love if I could create eventually a supportive community of people, and also have some guest bloggers that want to share their experiences. When you have BPD you feel like you are empty, alone and for me at least ashamed. Just like with any mental illness you feel like a burden on others, and no matter how much others try to assure you that you aren’t there is always that voice in your head that tells you that you are “too much” for others.

I am very lucky. I have so many wonderful people in my life. That know about my illness and are nothing but supportive. But they haven’t gone through it. They don’t fully understand the pain, emptiness and heartache that I go through on a daily basis. I will be sharing information as well about BPD and ways to get help as well if you struggle with BPD or any mental illness for that matter. I want to create an all inclusive community. We need to share and shed a light on mental illness. As much awareness as there is out there, mental illness is still very frowned upon and there is still a huge stigma and misunderstanding attached to it. I want to be a advocate and a friend to others who suffer from mental illness. You are not alone.