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BPD and Relationships.

 Has anyone else tried to build a relationship with anyone and then realize 1. It’s so much work, and 2. Every emotion that comes along with it is like exposing a raw nerve. 

Welcome to BPD and relationships. Interpersonal relationships to be precise. Or really relationships in general. Why are they so fucking hard for us (the people with BPD)? 

I will tell you why:

1. Fear of perceived or actual abandonment.

2. The need to be validated. Constantly. 

3. Not knowing yourself. So if you don’t have a sense of who you are, how can you build a healthy relationship with someone else?

4. The thoughts of not being good enough for anyone.

I have a person in my life, whom I ever expected to meet. Wasn’t looking for anyone, definitely didn’t think I would meet someone where I ended up meeting him. What am I doing? Trying as per usual to fuck it up. Cause why do I deserve to be happy? Why do I deserve to be cared about? Why do I deserve to be loved? They’ll just leave eventually. They don’t really like me right? They just are settling for me….. this is what goes through my head. Who would want someone like me? Who would want this crazy, fucked up person with mental health issues and physical issues (at the moment)…..instead of focusing on the healthy in our “relationship” yes, quotes because it’s not a defined for sure boyfriend/girlfriend sort of thing yet….but who would want me. This is the question I can never answer or even imagine an answer to. He’s voiced how he feels over and over and I keep questioning it. His actions for the most part have shown how much he is interested/cares. But I keep wanting more. More validation. I can never get enough. Which must be exhausting for him.

I fear before it ends up a “relationship” I am going to push him away. The thing is I wouldn’t blame him for running in the opposite direction. I feel like saying “dude I get it”.

Anyone else feel this fucked up when it comes to building relationships or is it just me? 

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