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Hi….Is Anyone Out There?

 I’m constantly at odds with myself. I’m an enigma. One day okay, the next day suicidal (sometimes all in one day). I’m so exhausted mentally. I’m going to be 38 this year….I feel like I’m not where I am supposed to be in life and that bothers me. My mental health has always been a defining characteristic and maybe I don’t know who I am, if I’m not suffering in some way. But I know I have to change. I have to try. This is killing me and it’s a slow brutal death. 

I have so many health issues mentally and physically. The hardest thing to do is to keep pushing through each day when it feels like there is nothing to live for. I have to learn how to live for myself and not live for other people. I have to learn how to focus on me, and stop putting energy into people who can’t/won’t meet me half way or return the amount of energy I put into them.

Don’t even get me started on my love life. What love life? Currently stuck in the awkward situation of being at that friends but not totally friends stage. There’s something more there but I refuse to accept that because who would want someone like me? Who would actually want me for me. I end up in these relationships (in the past) where I am so desperate to be loved, to be wanted, to be validated (constantly), which isn’t healthy. I know it’s not. I can see how needy I am. But how do I stop that? How do I try to just go with the flow? I’m ruining one of the best things in my life because I constantly seek validation. I constantly over analyze every word that comes out of his mouth. It’s all so fucking exhausting.

So this is a start of a project. Project Kat 4.0….I’m going to blog. I’m going to share my feelings and what’s in my head as a way to 1. Have an outlet and 2. Let others know, dude you aren’t alone out there. 

Welcome, come sit and stay awhile. Welcome to the mind of a girl named Kat.



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