Ms. Suddenly Borderline

Am I ever going to not be broken? Am I ever going to be able to look in the mirror and not loathe what I see? Everyday I get up and I try. I fucking try. But I’m lost. I feel like I’m walking around aimlessly in the dark, trying to find my way, but there are dead ends no matter which way I turn.  Am I ever going to make something of myself? Be proud of myself? Achieve success? I want so badly to heal. I want to not feel like this everyday. I don’t understand why or how I got to be this broken. Everyone leaves eventually. Even the ones who promise to stay. I feel numb. I don’t know who I am. I keep seeking validation from others rather than finding it within myself. How much more can I take? I always feel overwhelmed. Like I can’t breathe. I don’t want this illness. I don’t want to be sick mentally anymore. No matter the combination of medication I am on, nothing helps. There is just endless darkness. I just want someone to understand me, but there is no one.  I just wish I cou...

I don’t know what I would do without music. No matter what mood I am in, there is a song that soothes my soul. Arcade~ Duncan Laurence ft. Fletcher A broken heart is all that's left I'm still fixing all the cracks Lost a couple of pieces when I carried it, carried it, carried it home I'm afraid of all I am My mind feels like a foreign land Silence ringing inside my head Please carry me, carry me, carry me home I've spent all of the love I saved We were always a losing game Small town boy in a big arcade I got addicted to a losing game Oh Oh All I know, all I know Loving you is a losing game Do you love me, love me not? Giving pieces from my heart Tomorrow's coming and has gone Still I carried, I carried, I carried on Oh Oh All I know, all I know Loving you is a losing game Oh Oh All I know, all I know Loving you is a losing game I don't need your games, game over Get me off this rollercoaster Oh Oh All I know, all I know Loving you is a losing game Oh Oh All I k...

So as of September 1st, 2022 I have made a pact not to date or get into a relationship for 1 yr. I’m taking this time to focus on ME. I’m going to dig deep and try to heal myself. I have a lot of work to do on myself. I started a weight loss journey in Feb 2015. I started at 604 lbs. The lowest I have been in this journey so far is 424 lbs. I am currently 534 lbs (as of today). I have so much work to do. I want to be healthy mentally and physically.  I have started walking again, meditating every night before bed and taking time to read self-help books and go over my DBT Therapy literature. Trying to get into trauma therapy.  I will be documenting my journey here and also Instagram (@katentwistle).  I will get to my goal of under 400 lbs by this time next year. I am going to do this for myself. I am also 3 months sober from alcohol. There are a lot of goals I have for myself. 1. Quit smoking cigarettes. 2. Quit smoking cannabis. 3. Lose 284 lbs. 4. Be an advocate/create a...