Ms. Suddenly Borderline

 Is it normal that I have no idea who I am? I am 37 turning 38 in December and I feel like I don’t even have an idea of who I am. I mean I have some sort of idea. But for the most part I just wing it on a daily basis. I try to be a good human being. I try to guide myself based on a set of beliefs and values but, it’s hard because I really don’t feel like I know who I am most days. I feel like my beliefs and values are shaky. I have this emptiness that I don’t understand but that I am so used to. That is the daily struggle. Trying to guide myself to be a “good” person.  I don’t know what it would be like to wake up and not have mental illness. It is like it is a defining characteristic. I have struggled for 30 yrs with mental illness. I am tired. But finally being diagnosed with the right mental illness has helped, to a degree. A couple years ago after seeing psychiatrist # 4, I was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I always knew that I have struggled with...

 Well today was a shit show. Wrapped up in depression and self loathing. It felt like a Wednesday. But surprisingly it was a Thursday. Hoping for a better tomorrow (Friday).  Today, I have been told I need to hold on (by a few people). Also that I need to stop believing I’m a literal piece of shit. How does one just stop feeling like a burden? How do I just turn off the hell that is depression? If I had that answer do you not think I wouldn’t just “feel better” if I could? I feel like screaming. I know the people who care about me in my life mean well. But if I could turn off this feeling don’t you think I would? It’s this constant voice inside my head (the never ending narrative) that I am not good enough, I’m a burden, why would anyone care about me? I don’t deserve to be loved and cared for. It’s sinister. This voice inside my head. I’m in a funk. I wish I could turn it off. I used to just drink it away. Anything to numb this feeling of emptiness. My best friend told me she...

 I’m constantly at odds with myself. I’m an enigma. One day okay, the next day suicidal (sometimes all in one day). I’m so exhausted mentally. I’m going to be 38 this year….I feel like I’m not where I am supposed to be in life and that bothers me. My mental health has always been a defining characteristic and maybe I don’t know who I am, if I’m not suffering in some way. But I know I have to change. I have to try. This is killing me and it’s a slow brutal death.  I have so many health issues mentally and physically. The hardest thing to do is to keep pushing through each day when it feels like there is nothing to live for. I have to learn how to live for myself and not live for other people. I have to learn how to focus on me, and stop putting energy into people who can’t/won’t meet me half way or return the amount of energy I put into them. Don’t even get me started on my love life. What love life? Currently stuck in the awkward situation of being at that friends but not tota...